Hotline for MPs in fear

The News of the World have excelled themselves in sheer entertaining reading:

COMMONS chiefs have set up a Samaritans-style emergency hotline for panicking MPs who fear their expenses greed is about to be exposed.

Senior officials are manning the phones-at taxpayers’ expense, naturally-over the weekend as politicians brace themselves for fresh revelations.

MPs will be able to go through their dubious claims line by line then PAY BACK cash in a last-ditch attempt to limit the damage.

In a letter sent out to all members on Friday, the Clerk of the House and Chief Executive Malcolm Jack wrote: “Recognising individual concerns an inquiry line has been set up which will be open on Saturday 9th and Sunday 10th May.

Quaking

“A senior member of staff will be on hand to assist members.”

In a further sign of the terror gripping Westminster, Mr Jack told MPs they must use a special secret system to identify themselves.

Whichever of their homes they are in today, MPs will be quaking. Whips are said to have several members on “suicide watch”.

At least two Labour backbenchers are thought to have had extra-marital affairs with other MPs which are about to be exposed.

They are believed to have shared hotel rooms during annual party conferences and awaydays then double-claimed for the accommodation on expenses.

If both HAVE claimed they will be exposed as fraudsters as well as love cheats.

And Labour are reportedly keeping an eye on yet another backbencher said to have made “grotesque claims”.

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